Somewhere Between
by punnylove
Summary: She finds it ironic that they claim to hate her for turning on Lilly, when really all they've ever done is hate her for being, and not being, her murdered best friend.


_Reviews are a writer's fudgecake._

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><p><strong>Somewhere Between<strong>

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><p>Sometimes, when Veronica Mars looks at herself in the mirror, she sees her best friend staring back at her. As she watches, Lilly's mouth curls up in one of her flamboyant, flirty smiles and she spreads her hands, "What can I do, Ronnie? I'm fabulous."<p>

Veronica can't say anything, because even though she knows this isn't real she _misses_ Lilly Kane and her tongue is too busy trying to force the tears back down her throat to form words. It doesn't bother Lilly though, _(she's never need anything but an audience). _"Why didn't you go to my funeral, Ronnie?"

Why indeed? She thinks that perhaps she's a bit masochistic, inviting pain just when she thought it dulled. She thinks they might have forgiven her if she'd gone, if she'd cried at Lilly's tombstone like everyone _(whomattereduntiltheydidn't_) wanted.

She finds it ironic that they claim to hate her for turning on Lilly, when really all they've ever done is hate her for being, and not being, her murdered best friend.

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><p>Wallace doesn't understood why she doesn't go. "You're a hero, Veronica," he says, with the smile that she's grown to love (<em>it'<em>) and depend on. Even now he's trying to understand, trying to reach across the space that spans more pain that any teen should have to go through.

"You've caught her killer," he says, and she smiles a bitter smile _(itmattersuntilitdoesn't)_. The media has made her the hero of Neptune, the eighteen-year old P.I. who single-handedly put her best friend's killer behind bars. The modern Jane Bond.

They've asked for interviews, press conferences, books. There's even rumors of a movie. A couple months ago and perhaps she would be excited. Satisfied, at least, that the same people who shunned her now ask for her autograph, her picture, anything and everything.

Now, she really doesn't care.

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><p>The day Lilly Kane is first put into the ground, Veronica Mars throws in the first handful of dirt and refuses to call this a funeral. The body in the casket isn't her best friend—Lilly Kane is still alive and vivacious, whispering inside Veronica's head. <em>FindmykillerRonnie.<em>

She doesn't notice Duncan watching her or Celeste watching Duncan. She doesn't see a piece of Logan wither and turn to ash as the last bit of dirt is put into place. All she thinks about is Lilly's eyes when she leaned over and whispered to Veronica the day before she died. _I have a secret…a good one._

Jake Kane lets her into Lilly's room after the burial without asking questions, because she's Ronnie Mars, _(sweetinnocentnaive) _and she has blonde hair the color of the sun, just like Lilly. She takes extra care to photograph ever inch of the room, every drop of blood, everything and anything that might get Lilly justice.

She wonders if she knew, even then, that it would be the last time she was welcome in the Kane household.

When she finishes, she opens the door and finds Celeste Kane glaring at her. The words the woman screams blister her ears but all she hears is the mute accusation beneath the profanities. _You're not Lilly, so get the hell out of her room._

Somewhere inside her head Lilly laughs, and Veronica laughs too, because she's never been able to resist Lilly's infectious giggle—and Celeste freezes, because even she can see Lilly in Veronica's smile. Veronica walks out the door that day and never goes back.

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><p>The 09ers think they're giving her an ultimatum when they tell her to pick a side, but all she really sees is Duncan's eyes as they bore into hers. <em>Lilly would choose us<em>, they say accusingly, _Lilly would choose me._

It's true, and when has Ronnie ever been anything but Lilly's loyal shadow, her best friend and eager follower? In the end, Veronica smiles Lilly's smile and walks away, because Lilly's dead and now Veronica's all that's left to find justice, and she knows with a certainty that frightens her that Abel Koontz didn't do it.

Duncan stands by and watches her go like the lost, lonesome little brother he is and Veronica feels her heart breaking because she needs him to be strong for her. Somewhere Lilly is laughing but Veronica only feels the salt on her cheeks as she watches her first love turn away from her for not being enough like Lilly.

_Lilly would choose me, Ronnie, so why don't you?_

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><p>She thinks she and Logan will work because Logan doesn't want her to be Lilly, because even though he loved her with everything that he was, she took that love and consumed it, burning it away until there was nothing but scars left. Logan was the only one who knew exactly who Lilly was, (<em>brokentarnishedstainedLilly)<em> because he was exactly the same.

Veronica is different. She doesn't drink or party or destroy boundaries with a flick of her golden hair and a twitch to her lips. Logan likes that part about her—he calls her his "personal Private Eye," and what she hears is _I love you._

Logan does love her, _(heartsoulbeing)_ but he can't handle the bit of her that will always be Lilly—the part of her heart that Lilly made with her own two hands and that Veronica has never been able to dig out of herself.

She watches his eyes shadow the first time she tosses her hair in _that _way, watches his voice crack and his body stiffen whenever she giggles too loudly and too vivaciously. Lilly even follows her to their bed, and Veronica can feel her laughing as Logan's mouth covers her.

_He'll never have you, Ronnie, just like he was never able to have me._

It's true, and even though her secrets are worlds and universes away from Lilly's secrets, she knows Lilly is all Logan can see when she smiles and tells him that she'll be ok, that she'll be safe, and good, and not Lilly. In the end, they break, because Logan needs someone who doesn't have Lilly's smiles and laughter buried deep inside her heart.

Veronica wonders if he realizes that Lilly's still inside of him, too.

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><p>She thought she could finally be free of Lilly's legacy when she and Weevil became friends, until she realized that he'd been one of the hundreds burned and broken by her dead best friend.<p>

Despite his dirty comments and lewd looks, Weevil never once makes a move on her. Veronica suspects that the ex-PCH leader regrets even letting her into his life—that every time he catches a glimpse of her blonde hair out of the corner of his eye he thinks _Lilly_. She can read it in his eyes, in the way his smirk fades, just a little.

It breaks her heart.

He avoids her after she grows her hair back out, and even though he claims its because she's rejoined the 09er club, she knows he's still struggling with Lilly and that somehow, her golden curls is still too much like Lilly's straight platinum to give him peace.

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><p>Meg Manning always loved Veronica Mars—and she always hated Lilly. Lilly was the opposite of Meg—teasing, seductive, reveling in her feminine powers while Meg shied behind Veronica's softer, sweeter glow. She learned quickly that Veronica was a haven in the whirlwind of Lilly's madness.<p>

Veronica doesn't expect shy, sweet Meg to stay with her when the other 09ers declare her exiled, but when the other blonde refuses to leave her side, Veronica feels her heart melt, just a little.

It's why it hurts so much when Meg starts hating her too.

Veronica watches the taller girl's big blue eyes and wonders if Meg realizes how easy it is to spot rage and bitterness in a pair of irises. _You know_, she reads as Meg pushes by coldly, _Lilly never let me near Duncan either. She always said he was yours. Guess she was right, wasn't she?_

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><p>The funny thing is, most of the 09ers think that they're doing the right thing when they ostracize Veronica. She's the traitor, the one who broke the perfect foursome that was VeronicaDuncan<em>Lilly<em>Logan. It's all her fault. Everything is her fault.

When she sees the righteous judgment in their eyes, Veronica wants to laugh and throw up at the same time, because she knows what they want.

They want to her fill in Lilly's shoes, to be their scandalous queen and continue Lilly's no-care-in-the world legacy. They want another party queen, another goddess that they could touch and laugh about and sleep with—and especially one who understands the importance of dark secrets.

Instead, they get her—proud, raw, jaded Veronica Mars who won't let them live in their bubbles of wealth and lies anymore. Veronica Mars, who makes her pocket money finding out the dark secrets they're so used to hiding.

_We don't want you_, she hears as she walks down the hall. Behind every slutty rumor, every outrageous story, she hears the whispers. _Give us back Lilly Kane._

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><p>Veronica Mars thought that <em>she<em>, of all people, would continue treating her the same. Hate, after all, was made out of much stronger stuff than friendship. But though Madison St. Clare hated Veronica before Lilly's death, and continued to hate Veronica after Lilly's death, even she changed. Where the girl had simply been snide and bitter before, now she was malicious. Brutal.

Veronica sees the knowledge dawning in Madison's eyes that night in Logan's party, (_Do you know what you did to me?)_, but then the smirk covers her face and she gives a careless shrug. _(God, Veronica. My spitting in your drink totally ruined your life.)_

_Take that, Lilly_, she hears as Madison walks away, _I've ruined your perfect, precious little Veronica. _

Lilly would slap Madison right there. She'd announce to the world what the girl's actions indirectly caused, would raise hell and not care who got burned. Watching the other girl walk away, Veronica knows that she could win Madison over in a heartbeat. The girl was never meant to be queen, just a wannabe princess trying to catch up with the perfection that had been their foursome.

She could establish herself as the new Lilly Kane. She could make Madison beg for her forgiveness like she'd always begged Lilly. Madison wanted someone to follow, and Veronica could be that someone.

But she's not Lilly.

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><p>She's solved the murder. Aaron Echolls is in prison, and even though his last, murderous shouts still haunt her—<em>I'll bash your head in just like I did Lilly's<em>—it's a relief from seeing blonde, beautiful Lilly smiling at her head half-cracked open.

Now, when Lilly visits her in her dreams, she's perfect and whole. No blood is in her hair, no tissue matting the outside of her tanned skin. "Miss me, Ronnie?" she always says, and Veronica always nods _yes_ and wakes up with tears on her cheeks, because even after Lilly's murderer was found, even after she saved the day, Lilly still haunts her.

She can feel her best friend, can still smell her best friend's perfume in the autumn air.

Can still taste her pink cherry lip-gloss on her lips.

_What can I do, Ronnie? I'm fabulous._

_Don't you love me?_


End file.
